I Can’t Take Them Anywhere…

My mother should be locked up.

Granny to all who aren’t born within 20 or years of her, she’s tiny – 4’10” and skinny as all hell (yes, I know her weight but I’m not stupid, y’know…) so when she drinks, bless her, well… she’s a cheap date.

Which is not to say she’s got a problem, by any stretch, but like most people, she enjoys a glass or two of wine. So when, every other Sunday or so, we get the family together to Zoom, she graciously brings a bottle and, of course, has… a little…

And our family is not known for polite discourse. We usually start out okay, inquiring about how everyone’s week went, how’s your health… but by the end, it’s fart jokes, ribald humor and inappropriate comments that would get you fired in the workplace.

So Blondie (my daughter, 28) was telling us about how she and her lovely boyfriend, who was sitting next to her, were renting an Air B&B a couple of towns over. “And it has a spa!”

Everyone ooohed appropriately. I remarked I would need the address, then I noticed Granny started to giggle. Oooh, boy, here we go.

“Mummy…” I muttered, not wanting to spoil Blondie’s excitement.

She giggled harder and whispered “Is it in view of the neighbors?”

Blondie continued. “It’s been such a bummer, ever since the private outdoor spas had to close we really missed them, so now we can use this one! And for as long as we want!”

Appreciative murmurings from the group… and chortling from Granny: “god, I hope those outdoor ones are drained between bathers…”

“Yeah… TOTALLY private… you could rent them for half an hour, which wasn’t long enough, or an hour, which is really too long…”

My mother lost it.

Even over Zoom, Blondie noticed. “Granny? Are you okay?”


I stepped in. “Uh… Granny… thinks perhaps some people use… the spas… for… well…”

Blondie grinned wickedly and leaned into the camera. “Y’know, Granny, locally they call it the Poke ‘n’ Soak.”

I love both those women without end, but for the life of me, I cannot understand how they are not genetically related. We adopted Blondie at 11, and she’s so perfectly a part of us.

But I’m damned if I’d EVER patronize a business known as the “Poke ‘n’ Soak”.

My perfect, perfectly ridiculous daughter.

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