I wrote a song this morning…

It’s called “I Love You (but You’re a Pain in the Ass)”. I sang it to the dog while I got ready for work. You’ll never guess why.

As Beloved and the Boy can attest, I make up little ditties and sing them ad nauseum until everyone starts throwing things at my head. Most fall by the wayside, but a few become classics in the family (witness “O Solo Stinky”, sung to “O Solo Mio”, which involves the passion between the singer and a flatulent object of desire. No, no, seriously, G-rated, but… y’know… )

Okay… it wasn’t my best work, but hey, to a boy of seven, it was operatic gold. He insisted I sing it during his second grade parent-teacher meeting. Talk about embarrassing.

Thankfully, she was familiar with the humor of little boys. Probably not surprising given her class of about 30 was roughly half males.

Anyway, the dog. This heat wave has everyone hurting. R___ is bored some of the time – Beloved does her best to keep her engaged and amused, but damn, that’s a full time job – and I help when I can, but I’m the one who brings home the dog biscuits, so I’m less involved.

Any trips into the world need to happen early in the day as we’re not allowed to put booties on the dog (and carrying a 50 lb pooch is no fun). We went grocery shopping the other day, she refused to get outta the car until I carried her.

Going back to the car, she desperately did not want to get in… until I showed her I had pre-conditioned it and the car interior was frosty like the snowman. She bounded out of my arms and into her footwell.

Still working on the tucky-tail thing. That freakin’ baseball bat attached to her heinie… OMG you shove it out of the way so you can close the door and sing-song “tucky-tail! Tucky-tail!” as the appendage fwooop! flops into the crack between the door and the frame once again.

Me (growling and impatient): Tucky tail, dammit.

Dog: Can you speak English

Me: Tuck yer damn tail in!

Dog, lifting one eyebrow: I no have control over my wagger to be able to move it like that

Me: But you wag it!!

Dog: Yesh but that different I no can shift a few inches

Me: Just… don’t move it when I tuck it in!

Dog: I no move it you move it I just relaxed dog

Me (muttering): yeah, relaxed like a stoner on the beach with a fresh supply of weed. C’mon, dude, less than ten seconds of keeping your tail where I put it so I can close the damn door.

Tail: <<fwoop>>