Didn’t do what? I said.
Cat: she’s worried you think she did it.
Me: what is this supposed transgression?
Cat: I don’t actually know.
Dog: not me not me
Cat, looking outside the window: holy crap!
The cat looks shaken.
I’m puzzled, but I’m still getting dressed. This body is not one that will be displayed to all the neighbors.
Cat: I don’t know what the hell made that but it’s got to be huge.
Dog: no no no no no no I did not do it
Cat, irritated and freaking out: that’s obvious. But what the hell did?! It’s f-ing ENORMOUS!!
Me, looking out the window: nope the dog did not do it.
Dog, visibly relieved: I told you I no do it I know I naughty if I dig the lawn but I no dig like this
Cat, more hysterical: what the hell dug that?! I mean, how big do you have to be to need a hole that big? And there’s four of them! Holy God, four of these monsters?? Four! What are we gonna do?! That’s it, I’m going under the sofa.
Me, sighing at the dramatics: construction work yesterday, don’t you remember?
Cat, ignoring me: I’m never coming out never whatever it is it’s going to eat me for a snack but not if it can’t find me. They can eat the dog.
Dog: four dogs are coming over to play I cannot wait
Cat: no, dingdong, four giants are coming over to poop. Why else would they have dug giant holes in the garden?
Dog, cutting a side eye to me: giants poo in our garden? Why you let giants get busy in our garden? I rather have four dogs come to play Not as smelly
Me, whacking my palm to my forehead: no. We had a construction crew over yesterday, remember? We’re building a pergola in the back? Those holes will have the foundations.
Cat: there’s ground squirrels popping up in the poop holes.
Cat: I told them they need to back out if they don’t want to be pooped on, but they’re not listening.
Me: don’t be ridiculous. Those holes are much too deep for…
Dog: if you invite four dogs over to play, we’ll get rid of them.